on being scared

I'm getting real.

This blog started off as a place for me to share all about our new house and all of the DIY projects we were taking on. Since then, it’s morphed into more of a lifestyle blog and y’all have put up with my antics for the last year and a half. Most recently, it’s become a place for me to document all of the exciting milestones in pregnancy, despite my attempts at keeping it a mix of content.

Something has been on my mind recently and I just want to write it out. I don’t know if I’m looking for support, honesty, reassurance, or what…but I just want to talk about it.

I’m scared. Since we started trying to get pregnant, I’ve been scared. First I worried whether Mark or I had some genetic (or other) issue that would keep us from getting pregnant. Once that fear was calmed and we got pregnant quickly, I was then hesitant to believe that the pregnancy was real. Even after multiple pregnancy tests and blood tests proved it to be true and progressing, I couldn’t let myself believe that it was real until we saw that little babe on the ultrasound at 8 weeks. That helped a LOT. After that, though, my confidence slowly  dropped again, week after week, and it took hearing the heartbeat at week 13 to convince me again that we were having a baby. Shortly after that, the little one started kicking and I had a daily reminder that he was safe and sound in there. Now, sometimes I'll go half a day or so with no kicks and my mind goes to the worst place.

Is this motherhood? Will the worry subside at any point? We have bought clothes and toys and have a crib and lots of baby things but it’s almost like I won’t believe it until I am holding him safe in my arms. I’ve known for years that the worry and fear of being a parent and being responsible for a child will definitely affect me, but will it be this kind of frozen hesitance to believe that it could turn out okay after all?

I would generally describe myself as an optimist. I rarely ‘freak out’ when something goes wrong like car trouble or cracks in our walls, unlike my husband. In many situations, however, I find myself doing some sort of damage control with my mind. I tend to expect the worst and not get my hopes up until the event or the moment comes to light. I’m hoping that this will subside when our sweet boy is born and I hold him in my arms. At least then my worries will turn to broken arms and broken hearts…right?

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

  

Philippians 4:6-7

18 week bumpdate

18 weeks! I feel like things are sloowwwwlllyyy starting to pick up, especially since we will be halfway in just two weeks! The bump still changes daily but I think it is here to stay. We are working on baby boy's nursery this week and I'll be sharing lots on that soon! 

How far along?  18 weeks

Baby's size: sweet potato!

Total weight gain: between 6 and 10 pounds. I'm tracking my weight at home on our scale, but my doctor also weighs me. The difference is this: the doctor weighs me with my clothes on AND at random times of the day. When I went in on Friday I was up 10 pounds and SHOCKED. BUT...I had all my clothes on and had to go to the bathroom so bad I was about to burst! That had to be at least 2 added pounds...

Maternity clothes? Um, yeah. I can't button my pants. I wore a regular pair of pants on Monday and about an hour into my day I couldn't button them. The bump gets bigger throughout the day and it was fooling no one by closing time. I think it was pissed at me because I looked a FULL 6 months pregnant yesterday (see photo). Luckily I just scored some of my favorite pants from LOFT this weekend. I think I'm going to do a post on maternity clothes soon because OMG everyone in blogland is prego! Yay for the pregos!

Sleep: Sleep is the same! Pretty much relying on a pillow between my legs. I miss sleeping on my stomach SO much! There are a couple times that I wake up somewhere between my side and on my stomach and it's almost really awesome. Baby didn't like it though, he was kicking the crap out of me on Monday night when I did this!

Best moment this week: Two moments: I had a checkup appointment on Friday and when the doctor placed the doppler on my stomach to hear the heartbeat, we heard a kick! The doppler was literally on my stomach for 3 seconds or less. Also, Mark went to kiss my stomach/the baby the other day and he also got kicked, in the mouth! I know this little one is a mover and a shaker but it's so funny how he makes his presence known. 

Worst Moment this week: Not any bad days this week, really! Just getting sore and tired at the end of the day. I have a lot of my energy back after the first trimester but it runs out quickly and when I'm beat, I'm BEAT.

Miss Anything? Stomach sleeping!!!

Cravings: I'm not really having any cravings right now, there are just certain things that sound better than others. I'm hoping my eating gets back to normal soon!

Symptoms:  round ligament pains, lots of little kicks, sore back and sides.

Looking forward to: choosing a paint color for the nursery and starting on it this weekend! Stay tuned - I'll do a post soon on my inspiration and what we've done so far!

Before without the After

I really hate to do this to y'all, but this post is kind of anti-climactic. You see, we did a lot of work this weekend and are making lots of changes around the house. The sad part - we aren't done with anything. So, if you don't mind "before"pictures without the "afters", here you go:

We FINALLY got around to starting the landscaping in our backyard. With an unlimited budget and LOADS of time, this could be the backyard of our dreams. Sadly, both of those things are out of reach so we are just doing the best we can. Let me go ahead and point out the things that bother me in these pictures:

-unfinished back doors (BOTH should be black)

-triangular patio

-dead grass

-faded flag

-ugly electrical/AC equipment up against the house

-ugly growth on the ugly wood fence (which is trying to hide our neighbor's backyard)

-frisbee on the roof thanks to Mark

-unfinished wood fence

Ok. Now that I have that out of the way (I would hate for you to think I live happily in this squalor), you can kind of see what we are intending. We added the pavers to give some shape to the flowerbed and extended it out on the entire left side of the house. 

That's Motley's very pink doghouse hanging out there which is being relocated next to the AC unit. Mark and his dad built it for her a few years ago and she LOVES it. I'm debating painting it a more neutral color (add it to the list), but I love her fun pink house!

We're hoping to find a small crepe myrtle to stick the corner where the two wood fences meet. Unfortunately not many nurseries are carrying them right now so we might have to wait on that.

Plants are expensive. We got 15 one gallon containers of Mexican Feathergrass, 3 Sedum (?) plants, and a pallet of petunias. $150 y'all. We probably need double or triple this amount of plants to really fill it in like I want. #expensive #ripoff

Also pictured: Mark's professional cabling job. Add this to the list as well, and maybe I'll follow up one day on the Time Warner Cable debacle of 2015.

So minus the weed barrier and plants actually IN the ground, that's where we are at the moment. Hopefully we can get the beds more filled in and add some mulch in the next few weeks so we can enjoy our backyard! Mark also needs to level the pavers. 

Speaking of nurseries, guess what else happened this weekend!

This is like a nursery/guest room hybrid at the moment. We traded our guest bed for my sister's crib (perfect timing to move my niece up to a big girl bed!) so the nursery is officially in transition!

I have lots of plans for this room:

remove baseboards

paint walls

paint closet

add storage to closet

add accent wall to room

install new baseboards

paint baseboards

re-hang curtain rod

decorate :)

We have lots of prep work to do before the room really transforms, but luckily we have about five months to get it done!

I promise I'll come back with some "after" pictures once we get there, and I'll be back soon to share my plans for the nursery! Happy Monday!

17 week bumpdate

17 weeks y'all! This first half feels like it has gone by really slowly but I can't believe I'm so close to 20 weeks - the halfway point! Baby boy is doing great in there, moving and kicking up a storm. I love to feel his little jabs!

How far along?  17 weeks

Total weight gain: 3-ish lbs? Not really sure. I haven't gained much and haven't been to the doctor enough to keep track!

Maternity clothes? Things are getting tight, y'all. I've definitely grown more lately! I can still fit into some of my more comfortable pants and one pair of jeans. Honestly, though, maternity pants and dresses are the most comfortable!

Sleep: Sleep is alright. I'm not overly tired usually so I get in bed after 10 and toss and turn all night. It isn't miserable, but every time I wake up I'm usually wide awake for those couple of minutes instead of my usual groggy state. Still feeling pretty rested!

Best moment this week: I scored like CRAZY at the JBF sale on Wednesday. I wrote about it here! Baby boy has way too many clothes (and shoes) already so I've put myself on a shopping hiatus. We'll see how long that lasts!

Worst Moment this week: Monday was just an all around crappy day. You know what makes crappy days worse? Round ligament pain. Youch! Just being uncomfortable sucks. Can't wait until I'm 9 months pregnant...eek!

Miss Anything? Not really at the moment! My appetite is a tiny bit better and it hasn't really bugged me this week. 

Cravings: french fries still...I have lemonade almost every day out of habit. I've been totally into sweets, so much so that I went to the store on Monday (my crappy day) and bought 4 different sweet items. Whoops! Also, I'm not really craving them but sour cream and onion chips taste SO GOOD when I eat them. 

Symptoms:  round ligament pains, lots of little kicks, and headaches!

Looking forward to: hearing the heartbeat at my appointment on Friday and just checking up on this babe!

Mondays with no internet and springtime

Happy Monday! Again...

Our weekend was wondrously wide open, just the way I like it. We started it off at one of our favorite restaurants nearby, Urban Rio. It's a sister-restaurant to Urban Crust, a pizza place I've spoken about MANY times. If you're in the area and love fajitas, you have to try Urban Rio because they have THE BEST fajitas ever. YUM!

We woke up Saturday to the lovely reminder that I had switched our internet provider and our previous service had been cut off. Let me just stop here and say that I HATE ALL INTERNET PROVIDERS. If you or someone you know works for at&t or Time Warner Cable, please tell me how to get around all the tomfoolery they 'offer'. As of today, there is a strong possibility we will not have internet until NEXT Saturday. So, yeah. I'm currently sitting in Panera watching Mark study and using their super-slow internet. I did, however, get some mac and cheese out of the deal, so we're even for now.

After Mark got over the worst news of his life (the internet being down), we spent the weekend switching between blissful laziness and home organization. We have a lot to do before baby gets here which includes a total re-org of all of our closets so we did a little of that. I also did a little flower shopping and spruced up the inside and outside to welcome in the warmer weather (82 degrees this week, y'all!!!) 

Overall, I've loved our pared-down technology weekend and I feel great about all that we got done. Anyway, enough of my talking, here's what we accomplished in pictures!

Green! And colors! And flowers!

During

After...with lots of room for baby clothes!

The office closet was taken over by Mark...for now.

TJ's got me...Texas bag, flowers, and all!

I knew I saved these Dr. Pepper bottles for something good! 

My new lavender plant is sitting pretty over there in the corner...

Here we are again, Monday. I hope you all had a great weekend and have a great week ahead!

(linked up with B loved Boston today!)

Five on Friday - a random assortment

Happy Friday friends! I'm teaming up with April for Five on Friday. Check out my week below!

one.

This month has totally been a tease. First, we had ice and sleet, then we had snow, then we had more snow, then we had rain, rain, rain, rain. Then we had this:

...and now we have more rain, rain, rain. This is TEXAS. I'm ready for spring/summer. The hotter, the better! Now who's with me?!

two.

I've talked about my job a couple of times before, but I've been out and about this week and snapped some fun pictures. One of the best parts of working in design is seeing the before and after (nope, not picking out throw pillows). Plus, I'm a big nerd and like to hear all of the construction details without actually being responsible. We have several clients in this building so I got to see the progress! #werk

three.

I finally got my very first bumpdate published. Sorry it took me so long! The belly is just now flourishing so I feel like now is the time to share it. Like I said before, I take a photo pretty much every day in the bathroom to document my progress, but those don't really see the light of day...until now! haha below are this week's pictures. The day my 16th week started, I seemed to have grown! I'm enjoying this little belly now and I'm excited/nervous for what the future belly will look like!

four.

On Wednesday night I went shopping with my sister. A stay at home mom, she is an avid shopper and knows how to find a bargain. If you know me, you KNOW I LOVE a bargain, so I jumped right in on her shopping 'ritual'. She shops at a consignment sale called "Just Between Friends" (JBF) that happens twice a year. Several cities/areas host the sale so we signed up for the Dallas sale. There are at least 5-6 sales in the DFW metroplex alone. Basically, consignors (regular people like you and me) sell their items at prices that they have chosen. It's like 100 garage sales of just baby/maternity items all in one warehouse. They did a first time mom's pre-sale night on Wednesday night so Angela and I were there when the doors opened!

It's SUPER overwhelming as there are piles and piles of items and tons of people looking for 'the good stuff' but there is plenty to go around for all. I bought 23 items for an average of $3.63, but that doesn't include that 1 "item" sometimes included multiple onesies, shirts, etc. I got New Balance shoes, Carter's, Gap, H&M etc. clothes as well as tons of other brands - and the most I paid for one item was $6. It is crazy, y'all! 

Here's a SMALL sampling of what I got...

The last day of the sale, everything is marked down by half price. Granted, things are picked over, but half of $6 and less is a STEAL! I am sure that I'll be participating in these sales as time goes on. Check it out in your area if you love a good deal! 

five.

Spring is alllllmost here in Texas and the landscape is proving that to be true! The grass is turning green, the trees are budding, and I'm getting the itch to do yard work!

Last weekend I picked up these boston ferns and had Mark hang them on our front porch. 

I love them!!!

I still have LOTS of work to do outside but the green ferns gift me a jump start to keep going!

Also, our pretty camellias are blooming! These are such a nice welcome into spring!

Happy Friday!

16 week bumpdate

I finally managed to get a "bump" pic! I've been taking them in the mirror almost daily but I ALWAYS dreamed of documenting my pregnancy with weekly bump pictures...granted, I wasn't really showing at all until about week 13, but still! The bump has pretty much stayed the same since then, so we'll start at 16 weeks and call it good! So with that, here's my very first "bumpdate"!!!

photobomb by curious firstborn Motley

How far along?  16 weeks

Total weight gain: 2-ish lbs? Not really sure. I haven't gained much and haven't been to the doctor enough to keep track!

Maternity clothes? I can still button all of my normal pants, but I have a couple pairs of maternity work pants that are way more comfortable and it's finally getting warmer so I think I'll be wearing lots of dresses! 

Sleep: Sleep is...not too much different than normal. I have my 'off' nights where I don't sleep well but a normal night always includes a lot of tossing and turning. I usually wake up with round ligament pains of some sort, but those aren't too bad.

Best moment this week: We named our baby!!! I'm super impatient, especially when my mind is made up, but (I think) I gave Mark time to really think about our options and we mutually decided on a name together. Don't get your hopes up though, because we aren't sharing until his birthday!

Worst Moment this week: Baby boy has been kicking a lot lately (I feel SUPER lucky that I've felt him now for two whole weeks! I've even felt a good 10 kicks/movements from the outside.) but on Saturday or Sunday I think his sleep schedule was off and he wasn't moving as much as he usually does. His sweet spot is after dinner when I lie down on my back, and he wasn't moving. I got a little freaked out but luckily he answered right back and gave me a good 4 kicks on Sunday!

Miss Anything? Honestly, just feeling normal and being able to eat more. Pretty much nothing sounds good to eat and I'm ready to be able to stomach much more! I was thinking the other day and my thought was "I'm just tired of eating!"....words I thought I'd never say!

Cravings: french fries, lemonade, Panera mac and cheese, and 'cookies with icing'. Super healthy, y'all.

Symptoms:  round ligament pains, nothing sounding good to eat.

Looking forward to: heading to the JBF sale tonight with my sister! I've been saving my money because I feel like this consignment sale is going to take a big chunk of it. I'm so excited!!! I'll come back to let you know what I got!